What if that frisbie never landed on that house roof? What if you climbed that tree to the very top? What if you had gotten up that morning instead of going back to sleep? What if you stepped out of the house with your right foot instead of your left? Any one of these could be the butterfly that starts off the hurricane in your life. Any one of these could have shaped your destiny.

With me, every choice I have ever made seems to have only brought me down. I decided to wright my name on that eraser I got from the musium trip in school, only to have that thrown in my face when some girl accused me of writing my name on her eraser! That choice resulted in me not only loosing my eraser but also crying infront of the Head Master. I decided not to go straight to uni after I had completed my A-Levels and instead go to college to do a National Diploma first. This landed me with a great group of friends … some of whome wanted me to change into someone I’m not. It was that decision that meant I would spend 5 years of my life pretending I wanted to go clubbing and to get drunk when I really just wanted to go to bed. I decided I wanted to stay working at The Pier because I knew the people and I liked the work. This decision meant I was made redundant at 24.

I alwas worked hard at school and was left with the feeling that I could try harder harder but not get anything more to show for it. I never revised because I knew it simply wouldent work for me. I never asked for help because I knew it would simply confuse me more. I never asked for an extension on my essays because I knew it wouldent do any good anyway.

Somehow I managed to come out of it with 9 C grade GCSE’s a C at AS Level, 2 D’s and and an E at A’Level, a Double destinction National Diploma and a 2:1 BSc Degree. And where has it got me? No where! Thats where. I have a part time job at an animal sanctuary that I love!! I love working with the animals that are up for rehoming ans I love dealing with the people that come to adopt those animals. But I was a volunteer at the sanctuary long before I got those qualifications. I got this job because they knew me. Not becaus eof my own merits! They were doing me a fovor, ok I didnt ask for it but they did anyway! No one even looked at me twice when I was applying for jobs around the country. I must have sent out 50 job applications all to animal based services while I was unemployed and I only ever got one ‘Good luck and God’s speed’! Hell I’ve never even had a boyfriend!! Not even the guys at college would loook at me twice and they fancy anything in a skirt! What is it about me that repulses everyone? What choice did I make that has condemned me to a life as a spinster with an ever growing collection of cats?

If I knew then I would ju,p at the chance to go back and change it.

So where do I go from here? I’m a 24 year old virgin living with her mum and dad drinking just 2 bottles of ‘Savanna dry’ cider every night watching CSI. What is the point to any of this?

I drive on the motorways a lot and far to many times I have concidered what would happen if I simply closed my eyes. If I did that I would never have to worry about impressing people ever again. I would never have to worry about the doctors finding out how to get rid of the stupid folliculitis that plagues my chest every sodding day! I would never worry about how I’m going to pay off my overdraught let alone my student loans.

But then I would never do that would I? I would never commit suicide because It would mean a break in my routine. My routine of waking up, eating driving my brother and my mum to work and back, eating again and going to sleep. Bacause I know that if I did people would think I was an idiot for whimpling out on life. Because I know that this is the only life we get, there is no afterlife, consiousness is just a by-product of evolution.

Because I know I would do it wrong anyway.

Is this a form of depression? I guess I could be classed as a self-harmer. I bite my fionger nails untill they bleed, I squeeze and pick at the spots on my chest untill they leave scars. It have becaome part of my daily routine to suchy an extent that no matter where I am I have to complete my ritual.

I just dont know what to do. I just dont know what would make me happy.

******************************************

P.S. One thing that drinking 3 bottles of 5.5% South African Cider does to me is it makes me spout honesty. The other is it causes my limbs to go all finky so I’m sorry for any major typos that I cant be bothered searching for.

The latest story to come from Zion is this: A keeper has been ‘mauled to death’ by a white tiger. Here is the story as reported by the New Zealand Herald at http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10574842 on 27/5/09

‘Lion Man’ Craig Busch says he’ll assist police in any way possible after a white tiger mauled to death a keeper at the Zion Wildlife Park in Whangarei today.

The attack was witnessed by eight French and English tourists.

A witness, who declined to be named, said the attack was “very, very frightening”.

Police said the keeper suffered injuries to the abdomen and lower leg which were received by “tearing” by a big cat.

Two keepers had gone into the white tiger enclosure about 11am today when one of the two tigers in the enclosure attacked a male keeper.

Despite the best efforts of the second keeper and a rapid response from other wildlife park staff, the tiger would not let the park worker go and he died at the scene.

The tiger was destroyed by wildlife park staff.

Mr Busch described the attack as “a terrible personal blow for me as I knew the keeper well.

“My thoughts are with his family, friends and colleagues. Obviously I also know all the animals at the park which are owned by my Wildlife Trust, and I am deeply upset at the news of this attack.”

Police will not be releasing the keeper’s name until next of kin have been advised.

Police and OSH staff are investigating the incident which is believed to have been witnessed by a group of eight overseas tourists.

Four police officers were at the scene, and ambulance staff have now left.

Victim Support staff have been called to the scene to help the distressed park staff and visitors. The park has now been closed to visitors.

MAF and the Coroner have also been advised.

Staff at the park, which holds 42 lions and tigers, will release a statement later today.

Police are at the scene.

If it is a Royal White tiger, then it would be a blow to the Wildlife park.

There are only 120 Royal White tigers left in the world and the tiger, a sub-species of the Bengal tiger, is considered extinct in the wild.

Series of incidents

There have been two previous reported attacks at the zoo, which houses 42 rare lions and tigers.

In February, a man was savaged by a “large cat” and required surgery.

He was bitten on the knee by the animal.

Last year, a Scottish teenager was left scarred for life after being attacked by a lion.

Lisa Baxter, 19, of Gullane, was working at working at the zoo on April 23 when Timba, an African white lion, sunk his teeth into both her hands after she put them through a hole in the fence, designed for television cameras, to stroke a cub.

The Wildlife Gardens website lists its white tigers as Jahdu, Rewa, Abu and Tygo, all Royal White Tigers.

“Each has its own very distinct personality. The only female, Rewa, carries the solid white gene and has already produced New Zealand’s first two Royal White tiger cubs in late January 2005.”

It describes itself as a “tranquil countryside retreat” near Whangarei in Northland, New Zealand, and is home to television’s Lionman – Craig Busch.

Just yesterday, Mr Busch gave evidence at an investigative meeting before Employment Relations Authority member Yvonne Oldfield into his claim for reinstatement to his job at Zion Wildlife Gardens in Whangarei.

There were Ms Oldfield was in the park today at the time of the incident.

But Mr Busch s lawyer Daniel Erickson said that contrary to media reports there was no one from the Employment Relations Authority at the park at the time of the attack.

Mr Busch said he was dismissed from the Northland wildlife park which helped make him famous without notice and without being given any warnings.

This story simply goes to show the level of complacency that people develop when dealing with wild animals. No matter how long they have been in captivity they are still wild animals with all of the natural instincts of their truly wild ancestors. Hunting instincts and the need to protect and defend their own territory never go away. This is what leads to attacks like the one reported above. Even a hand raised big cat still has all of the natural weaponry of a naturally raised animals, all hand rearing does is teaches the animal how humans behave and not how to use the skills that are ingrained into its DNA to facilitate survival. Back in the day, when people kept lions and other cats as ‘pets’, stories of how the family cat turned on its unsuspecting owners and killed them only to be found lying near them wondering possibly why mommy and daddy weren’t getting up (I’m being anthropomorphic now i know).

My point? People should not be surprised when a wild animal does what it does best and kills the pathetically weak freakish creature with very little fur and only two legs on the ground. humans are in no way shape or form equipped to deal with an animal attack as we once were when we could scuttle away in a flurry of arms and legs to the nearest tree. we have become too comfortable in our belief that we are top of the food chain. Well I have news for you. By rights we should be at the bottom, through our technological and intellectual development have forsaken any skills that would have allowed us to survive in a hostile environment. therefore we should not be surprised when a captive animal displays its evolutionary superiority over us.

With all due respect to the family of that keeper, his death was more than likely caused by something he did. Maybe something as simple and insignificant as making eye contact, displaying open fear or turning his back on the animal. maybe he stubbed his toe on the way in and the tiger believed him to be the lame on in the group and therefore the most likely candidate for a hunting attempt. We will probably never know. But I can tell you this, no animal simply ‘turns’ for no reason. Something triggered that attack, the tiger responded in a perfectly natural and lethal way to a stimulus provided by that poor sod of a keeper.

And now a tiger has died because it was acting as a tiger.

This year I am taking part in one of the the ‘Race for Life’ events held in aid of Cancer Research UK. The one i’m doing is a 10km route through Tatton Park, cheshire for which I am collecting sponsors to hopefully reach my target of £100 raised to go towards continuing research into the treatment and cure of all types of cancer. 

I am not the most active person in the world so a 10km walk (let alone a ruun) will most likly be the end of me!!! So this is a challenge for me in more than one way. Whats more is that if I can reach my £100(gbp) target I will do the race in FANCY DRESS just to make myself look even more of a fool. And not just fairy wings either!! I’m talking full on costume!!

Through the following website anyone can sponsor me in any currency they want to (it will be converted into GBP by the website i think) so i’m asking everyone who may be reading this to please sponsor me and help bring about an end to a truly devastating collection of diseases. A world without cancer sure sounds good dosent it?

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/helen_mary

Please give generously but anything you can give will be greatly apreciated!

Thank you all very much!

^_^

In a kennel situation none of this happens. as each dog has its own individual kenel it is every dog for itself. Each dog sees itself as an alpha having to defend its own territory, in this case the kennel. This problem is only made worse over timeas the dog becomes agressive to anyone aproaching its kennel, it becomes antisocial an refuses to be near any other dogs, it displays signs of stress relating from lonliness. Some dogs become overly aggressive and unpredictable. These dogs are often not too difficult o re-home as they just reg=quire someone who understands the needs of the dog and once it settles into a home routine it will more than likly change its behaviour. Some dogs however drive themselves mad. I hae seen a beautiful young border collie come into the sanctuary and completly come apart. It started with barking whenever anyone comae near the kennel, then the barking didnt stop. He sarted chasing his tail, something most people see as being something worthy o earning some money on stupid pet tricks TV shows. But when a dog chases its tail out of boredom or stress its a totally different thing. Its one of the most upsetting things I have ever seen a dog do, they seem to loose all presence of mind and just start spinning with their eyes rolling back and they keep going until they basically fall over. This dog in particlar was like a hurricane rolling around inside a kennel. Because he was barking so much he was disturbing the other dogs and affeting their behaviour he was moved into he isolatin kennels. Not the best idea in the world.

Eventually his behaviour outside of the kennel was tarting to change, his natural puppy energy combined with an air of unpredictability that resulted in his world shrinking even more when the powers that be decided he could not be trusted to walk off of the sactuary property. So he was only being walked on the sanctuary grounds resulting in him spending even less time than usual outside of his kennel. After a while he was taken off of the rehoming list as he was judged to be too stressed and aggitated to be shown new people.

One week later he was put to sleep.

It is in a place like this that i want to work for the rest of my life. I want to help animals like these that have nothing and no one. I am going to work my way up untill I am running a place like this so that decisions like this do notget made just because a dog i not taking well to a kennel situation. There were other options that were not attempted because at 16 months he was judged to be a lost cause. This should not have happened but as I do not make the decisions there is little I can do about it. If I leave then I will not longer be able to help the dogs….

At least that poor little beautiful dog is no longer in such a stressfull environment.

 So, why am I harping on about this now? Because some stupid individuals have been draggig the good name of archery through the mud. A man has recently died after being shot by police during an armed seige where he was seen to be brandishing and firing a crossbow. And even in my loal area some hooligans are being hunted themselves after firing on innocent geese with arhery equipment leaing two geese with arrows ebedded in the neck and the back. Whle archery equipment iteslf is not regulated it is illegal in the UK to hunt using bows and arrows, including crossbows (which with all the additional euipment you can buy are basically guns) purely because without proper training it is very difficult to kill an animal humanely with an arrow.

If these people carry on abusing the freedom that this sport enjoys then that freedom is going to be taken away for all of us.

These past two weeks feel like a lifetime in the most unimaginable hell. I can barely remember what has happened since I took the job, it has all been a blur. I have been unable to switch my mind off at night, leading to a torturous lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation for any ammount of time has never and wil never be my friend. It turns me into a pool of emotional outpourings that leave nothing uncried over. I naturally wear my heart on my sleeve, the way I deal with stress is to shut myself away in a room and blubber for about half an hour. After that I am fine and able to carry on and deal with things. (Some people dont seem to undersand this, it gets on their nerves apparantly). Sleep deprivation multiplies this a thousand times over, I react over the smallest things resulting in my fatigue being deepened. Since taking the job I have bcome anemic, I have even been physically sick because of how bloody tired I have become.

I hate going to that pub, I dred the momnt a shift starts and cound the seconds untill it is over. I’m pretty sure that after not too much longer 32 hours across 4 days (pluss another 7 in the same space of time at another job) will kill me. Especially if i’m averaging less that 3 hours of usefull sleep a night.

In the currect economic climate it is estimated that in the UK alone over 2 million peple are unemployed. I feel bad because I’m doing a job that I absoluty hate while there is someone out there who would thrive in the exact same job. Especially as I have another job that is forming the basis of what I really want to do with my life.

It is for all of these reasons that after under 2 weeks of hectic non-stop shifts with less sleep than a cronic isomniac, I am quiting my job. I expect people to think I’m running away, but what is the point in keeping a job that is mking me ill, one that I hate every moment of, when there are so many other people out there that are still looking for a job exactly like this one?

~_~

On a day when I just could not stop the water works, when the mere thought of how tired I was would make me cry, my salvation came on a TV movie channel. ‘The Cate Returns’ by Studio Ghibli is one of my all time favorit movies, it never fails to make me smile and forget whatever is troubling me.

I just thought you would all like to know his.

^_^

Each night after a shift at the pub I have been having vivid dreams about it, dreams that seem so real I’m not sure if they actually happened or not. The dreams go on forever, whole conversations and tasks are carried out and completed. Yet when I wake up I feel like my eyes have only been closed for a second. Like  blinked and suddenly the sun rose. I think last night I only managed to sleep a litle better out of sheer exhaustion. We had a pary of 90 peoplein yesterday, they were supposed to bestggared through the day but everonearrived at once. Add in 3 missing staff members, not enough glasses to go around and a £2ooo bar tab and you have on your hands a chaotic day, and that is an understatement.

At the moment I’m so tired I dont think I could sleep at all not matter how hard I tried.

However, despite the heat and the bewilderment I somehow managed to survive and got everything to the correct table. Hopefully I get till trained today so I can get back to my comfort zone behind the bar.

A cat was back with his owner after going missing for three-and-a-half years, the RSPCA said.

Kofi vanished from his home in Nottingham during the autumn of 2005, said an RSPCA spokeswoman.

An RSPCA inspector was called after a cat was found injured in a street Ipswich, Suffolk on April, Suffolk, on April 6.

A scan on a micro-chip fitted to the cat revealed Kofi’s identity and checks showed that he had nothing worse than an infected flea bite.

Kofi had been reunited with owner Sarah Hawley, who now lives in Sheffield, and was doing well, the spokeswoman added.

“We couldn’t believe it when the chip showed that the cat had travelled so far from home,” said the RSPCA spokeswoman.

“We see so many unwanted animals that to get this cat back home after so long, just because of his microchip, is fantastic.”

Mrs Hawley added: “I was amazed … We had given up hope of seeing him again.”

Pluss, hes so cute!!! (If a little grumpy)